Disciplined

Hey you guys,

Happy New Years!! 🥳🥳 (hope it’s not too late to say this).

It’s been a hot minute, huh?

Hope you’ve been good despite what’s going on in the world. I know I’ve been a little MIA but it’s been a long one still.

Anyway. Let’s get into it …

I’ve always said that this blog will be based on my personal experience. My Christian journey shared truthfully and in full. And if I’m being honest, this post has taken a few months for me to build the courage to write, let alone to post it.

I know how it feels to find it hard to love yourself or even think well of yourself after fumbling so hard. In life. In your love life. In your walk with God. That was the biggest fumble for me.

If I could have it any way, I would fail in every area of my life but keep my relationship with God straight.

It’s funny because for such a long time I used to feel regret with the things I had done in the past, but I’ve come to realise that my only regret is that I took my eyes off God and let myself fall away from Him, instead falling into Him during one of my hardest seasons.

My season of being in the wilderness.

Before becoming saved, although I was in the world, I was always seen as this innocent little girl, a goody two shoes, teachers pet, never really wanting to get into trouble, type of character. And even when I got saved these characteristics followed me.

I always followed the rules, I never wanted to get into trouble with my pastor and pretty much everyone saw me as an innocent little girl who could never do any wrong or sin. The girl in praise in worship, who’s the first to help out in church, who seems to have everything together and had dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with internally and spiritually.

“Farielle got this Christian thing so quick and is so solid in it.”

But no ones perfect. We’re all human and everyone has and can fall at anytime.

In late 2017, I started doubting my relationship with God and who I was as a person. This whole season really threw me off my feet, as it was my first time as a saved Christian that I was being tested in such a way. I had no idea what to do, and I know prayer is a practical way of dealing with things, but I felt like it wasn’t giving me a practical answer. This then lead me to pray less and eventually I wasn’t praying at all.

Fast forward to April 2018. I back slid.

For those who don’t know what it means to back slide, it’s falling back into sinful ways. Ways of the world. Ways that aren’t of God and won’t bring glory to God.

I lied and pretty much lived another life for 6 months. I mean I was so deep in the lies that everything I said and did in my life became overly calculated. What I spoke about, remembering the lies I had told. I literally felt like a double agent in a James Bond movie.

It got to the point where I wasn’t sure whether what I was saying was the truth or a lie.

Eventually, I came clean to my pastor and I got disciplined for 6 months. Of course there were other measures put in place before that, but this was the last resort.

Being disciplined is like getting grounded by your parents but instead of being sent to your room, you have to take a time out from church. Which means you’re pretty much cut off from all things church, including the people.

It’s such a lonely place to be.

I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone. For about 4/5 months I only had two friends around me. One moved back down south and the other lives further away from me. So because of my work schedule, travelling to her after work or uni was too tiring. So I barely saw her.

Depression took its toll real quick! Because then I was really alone. If I’m being very honest, the only thing that really kept me here was my degree and how close I was to achieving it. Finally.

I started going to counselling in February 2019 because of the lack of people I was speaking to, I decided that seeking help where I could talk to someone about what I was going through was the only thing left. Which was definitely a great idea for me to do.

Church hurt is one of the hardest pains to get over, so believe me when I say I understand.

I know how hard it is to go back to God when something so immense, so big has happened in your life and you have no idea how to fix it. You’re not sure whether you can trust your church, another church or even God again. Your faith in God has just … disintegrated. I get it, because during those 8 months of discipline I really fell off the rails like it was no-ones business.

It was really like … God who?

I joke around with it my stories a lot with friends but the truth of the matter is, it was a dark time for me. I acted like I didn’t care but I cared a lot. That was my family and I had lost them.

I went back to church in June 2019 and not long after that in December I got disciplined again.

Yes. I’ve been disciplined twice. This time it was for 3 months.

The first time I got disciplined. I was stubborn and prideful. Even though I knew what I did was wrong and I felt bad for my decisions, I didn’t want to seem weak so I didn’t show any emotions whatsoever.

I held my ground, accepted the consequences and left church with hella pride because in my head “ain’t no one seeing me leave this building with tears in my eyes or with any sort of hurt. Not even through my body language.”

My second discipline was different. When I went to confess to my pastor and a witness, I remember thinking “it probably won’t be that bad. Not like last time.” And I don’t remember everything my pastor said but I do remember these words “Do you not love yourself?”

And it really hit hard. Do I? I know I responded with “I don’t know” because I genuinely didn’t know, and I soon realised that at the time I didn’t love myself or think of myself very highly. When he said I had to leave church my heart dropped and my brain just said “again..?!”

I just started crying. It was the shame of allowing myself to fall again and not learning from the first time. Not to say I didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong, because I did, but because what my pastor was saying to me just made me realise how little I valued myself, loved myself and the fact that I didn’t see myself worthy of anything more than what I allowed myself to go through the last year or so.

It wasn’t the same as last time. I was able to talk to one person for accountability and support, my pastor recommended churches that I could go to in this time and I had meetings with him every 3 weeks.

When my pastor and the witness left the room, he sent for one of my friends, who was my accountability partner during my discipline. When she came into the room I remember just balling even more and saying the words “I didn’t mean to”.

I think it was just the realisation of what I had done and how much it pulled me further away from God. But mostly how little I thought of myself.

It wasn’t easy being disciplined and I do feel like being left alone with no spiritual guidance the first time really did give me a push to go down a path I regret whole heartedly. It was hard getting over everything and even just trusting God and church people again was extremely hard.

But because of the mustard seed of faith I held onto during that time. The fact that I knew God was somehow going to pull me back to him, I kept going, even whilst in the storm I was in.

And I bet you have the question everyone who knows I’ve been on discipline asks me.

Do you still go to the same church?

And the answer is yes, I do go to the same church. It was difficult to return, thinking everyone was either judging me or hated me but the truth was everyone just wanted me back in church.

I went back to my church knowing that most people knew my story, which at first was embarrassing for me but eventually I realised, my testimony is my testimony and no one can tell me otherwise.

I know going back to a place where you’ve been hurt can be hard as heck! However, God didn’t put you in that church for no reason. Even with the church hurt that can occur.

Another question asked is,

Is discipline biblical?

And the answer is yes. I won’t go into it in detail because this post is already looking long, but just like weeds in the garden or fire in a dry forest, sin spreads quickly. One person can be sinning and it can move onto the next person and so on. It might not be the same sin but it’s sin nonetheless.

So what do you do with unwanted weeds? As brutal as it sounds, you cut them loose. Which is what Paul says we should do when there is sin in the church.

Obviously with church they want you to come back after some time, which Paul also mentions.

Here’s the scripture where Paul talks about taking sin seriously and condemning Spiritual Pride. The second scripture is on restoring the individual condemned, with love.

1 Corinthians 5:1-13// 2 Corinthians 2:5-8

I read both Message and NLT version, but you can read whichever suits you best.

I just wanted to end this post by letting you know that if you are struggling with church hurt or you just want to ask me some questions, you are more than welcomed to message me on Instagram.

Remember you’re not alone in this.

Have a blessed Sunday x

That’s all she wrote …

Start Again

Hey hey hey!

New week, new blog post.

Boy… where do I even begin with this one?

I needed to take a time out and recollect in so many areas of my life, hence the major lack of posts.

It’s not a mystery that have been struggling with my faith and relationship with God, but I can finally say that I’m back where I need to be. I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it.

I want to talk about starting again with God. How hard it is for those who have fallen away, from God, to go back to him, how when we go back into the world, and re-learn old habits, it can be super hard to go back to God.

This is mostly because of the shame that we feel. That feeling of

God won’t accept me the way I am, I have strayed too far to go back now.

But let me tell you now. That is nothing but a big lie from the devil himself!

The devil doesn’t want us to go back, he wants us to stay away from God and his wonders. He wants us to be lost sheep reluctant to go back to our Shepherd when he’s trying to find us and take us back to the rest of the herd.

The thief’s purpose is to kill, steal and destroy. My purpose is to give them rich and satisfying life.

– John 10:10 [NLT]

Another reason may be, we may find it hard to go back to God is because we have become cynical towards God.

God hasn’t helped me with such a thing, so what’s the point?

Another lie! God wants nothing but good things for us and there could be multiple reasons as to why the thing you prayed for wasn’t answered. Do you know that no is also an answer? Maybe you weren’t ready for that thing, or that thing was going to destroy you once you received it, which is why what you wanted or what you prayed for wasn’t answered.

“For I know the plans I have for you”, says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope“.

– Jeremiah 29:11 [NLT]

Listen, God has a reason for everything, trust me on that one. And just as the scripture says the plans he has for us are so amazing! So amazing that when they happen, we won’t be able to comprehend it!

When I was going through my struggle I was so sure that me and God had parted ways for good! So sure that He was no longer in my favour because of all the things I had done, the amount of times I had fallen and the countless arguments I had with Him about where I was in life. But God didn’t care about the things I had done in the past, He just wanted me back! He was waiting for me with open arms. Not just Him but people at church.

“In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed!”

Luke 15:7 [NLT]

I was so pressed that people at church would be hateful or push me away for leaving, afraid that it would be this whole thing of starting again from scratch, but it was the complete opposite. Thank God that I belong to a loving church family.

Sometimes life happens and you have to start from scratch. Starting again is not a bad thing at all.

You lose your job, you have to start again and search for a new job.

You move locations, you have to start again

You start a new job, you have to start again and get into a new groove with your job.

You fall away from God and you come back, you are starting again from the beginning. Having to unlearn worldly habits again, learning to trust God and to have faith in Him again. It can be hard! But it gets easier and it’s always worth it.

I was so afraid of starting again. Not just with God but everyone else I had to go back to.

But sometimes we have to take that leap of faith.

To have faith that when we jump into starting again, it’s not going to be a perfect straight forward journey, but because God is in control and He will make a way.

Another thing I struggled with was the notation of forgiving myself for back sliding (falling back into sin, for those who are unaware of the term), until I was reminded that

God has already forgiven me, so I don’t need to forgive myself.

Once I had accepted that it became easier to start again with my relationship with God. From having short conversations every so often, to now having mini prayer sessions or even just having a conversation like I’m talking to a friend.

God doesn’t care how you talk to him, He just wants you to talk to him, even if it’s not in the ‘formal’ way they teach us in church. And that’s one of the biggest steps to starting again, like with any friend, talking.

And the scripture was fulfilled that says “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteous” – and he was called a friend of God

– James 2:23

So to finish this post I will leave you with 3 steps to starting again with God.

  1. Leap in faith and into God
  2. Accept that God has forgiven you, so you don’t need to forgive yourself
  3. Start talking to God again!

And the bonus step for you guys would be

To find yourself a loving church family.

(If you don’t already have one)

Now, like every family there might be arguments every so often, but don’t worry about it. God put those people in that church to develop your character a little bit more, and you’re there to develop theirs too.

But that’s a conversation for another post.

I pray that once reading this, you have been able to start again with God or maybe you’re reading this and decided to start a relationship with God for the first time. Regardless, welcome back! You took a big step and I am proud of you. You have so many amazing things and a beautiful journey to come.

With that being said

That’s all she wrote …

Reinvention

Hello!

Farielle here. It has really been a while since I last wrote a blog post but I can always pick up from where I left off.

For those who have been with me since day one you might remember me writing that this blog did not have a topic, which is still kind of true, but this blog has been reinvented.

Reinvented; def

the action or process through which something is changed so much that it appears to be entirely new

The reason why I say this blog does not have a topic is because I’ll be talking about a multitude of topics but the reason why it has been reinvented is because it is now a Christian based blog. I haven’t removed or changed my past blogs because, just like my past, they are still a part of me. It’s just now I’ve gotten myself where I need to be.

I haven’t kept it a secret that I believe in God, nor have I kept it a secret that I didn’t believe that I was a Christian anymore because of the decisions that I was making at that time. However, I just gunna say it with my chest!

Hi, my name is Farielle. I am a Christian, I am a forgiven sinner striving to be the best I can be with Christ’s help. Being perfect isn’t possible in this life but I know with Jesus, the Holy Spirit and His word, I am. Being reinvented into what God made me and called me to be.

Honesty! … Too honest? Maybe. I don’t know yet. We’ll see lol.

The reason why I’m saying this is because I want you all to know that this blog is not on a prideful ‘look at me’ kind of tip but to share my journey, what I have learnt whilst on my journey, in hopes that it can help you too.

I’m just an ordinary person with ordinary struggles just like you.

In 2019 I felt so unordinary, so imperfect, that I lied to myself and convinced myself that I had to reinvent myself just so I can fit in with others, when I didn’t have to reinvent myself at all!

God loved me just the way I was before the attempt to reinvent. I wasn’t even reinventing! I was conforming. Conforming to the worldly culture instead of the New Creation God wanted me to be.

Anyway! I’m rambling. I’ll get into all of that a bit more deeper, little bit later, but for now …

Welcome to the that’s all she wrote blog!

I’m glad you’re here and I hope you can take something away from every post to apply onto your own walk with God.

See you in the next one 💕

That’s all she wrote …