Day 8: Be The Perfect Wife

A cook. A cleaner. And a Sex Symbol. These are the ingredients chosen to create the perfect wife …

Just kidding.

Now that I’ve got your attention …

I’ve been on this earth for like what? 22 years. And since I can remember being in love, finding the one, having a great job, getting married and having kids, has always been the goal for women.

So through watching all these movies telling us that being the perfect wife is a goal, TV shows giving advice on finding the one, with marriage and kids being the end goal, sometimes us women can focus more on how to be this ‘perfect wife’ for a man we may not have even met yet.

Which leads to us spending less time perfecting ourselves, for the person we’ve known since the day we came into this world.

Ourselves.

Not only do we see this on our tv’s, social media and the internet, we hear it in church.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this whole thing. We spoke about how in churches the topic of marriage is spoken about more than being single.

I understand the benefits of marriage, what it can bring, both the growth and struggles, it’s spoken about often enough that I feel like I could write an assignment on it.

I’m not against marriage, I actually do want to get married in the future but it’s not my focus right now. My focus is my singleness.

But it’s all

Loving God, living for God, being good with money and marriage.

Can we just have a discussion about

Loving God, living for God, being good with money, being single and enjoying it, a bit more instead of talking about how to reach marriage?

What’s the point of having more conversations about marriage when majority, if not all of us, are single?

And what if there are people who don’t want to get married at all?

Why is singleness still a taboo? Why are we trying to be the perfect wife for someone else?

I think that we should try to become the perfect wife for ourselves.

Become the best version of yourself, for yourself.

Not for the random Joe you’re not even dating yet.

And in turn the right person will come eventually, but don’t even focus on who’s coming. Think about what you want and like because you’re here right now. Til death do you part.

You’re currently in one of the best times of your life!

You’re young. You’re single. You are free!!

You don’t have to consult anyone, but your job, when you’re going on holiday!

You don’t have to ask if the holiday is good for you and another party. It’s just you right now.

You don’t have to think about who’s going to babysit the little one when you’re going out for dinner for a few hours.

Do what you want to do, when you want to do it. No one is stopping you but yourself.

You should be living your best life!!

You’ve always wanted to go Paris? No one wants to/can come? Go man!! Do it alone.

You’ve always wanted to teach English in another country? Go do it!

You’ve always wanted to live in a different country for a year? My love, the world is literally your oyster,

carpe mundo sanguinum, babe!

(Seize the bloody world).

Take this from me.

You are your own best friend, learn to love yourself and be the perfect person for yourself because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.

From the words of Jeannie Mai, myself and my friend

There is no one, you are the one.

And that’s all she wrote.

F A R I E L L E. N

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Day 7: Treat Yo’ Self!

When I first moved out of my parents house I was so unbelievably broke I only spent £11 a week on ready meals, 49p on cordial (the drink you mix with water), I couldn’t pay half [any] of my bills (sometimes including gas and electric) and I did not buy anything extra for myself.

I could have easily asked my parents for money but I wanted to do things myself. So after those long 4 months of suffering with no money, not even student finance (SFE) and a 4hr a week contracted job that paid next to nothing, I promised myself I’d be more careful with money.

I’ll plan ahead. I’ll set a proper budget and I’ll start to plan where my money for the month is going to go. Which I did and haven’t stopped doing.

When I got my SFE, I paid for all of my bills 4 months in advance, just in time for my next SFE payment, and I became careful with where my money went.

A bit too careful.

I didn’t treat myself to anything I wanted. It was all “when I get enough money” but I have ‘enough’ money, with more than just a little extra but I got into the mindset of hoarding my money.

Look, I’m not saying that saving or being careful with money is a bad thing. It’s actually very rational, but not only do you spend wisely you also need to treat yourself in the process. Buy something that makes you feel good about yourself not just your situation.

By that I mean, paying for your bills on time and not having to worry about them until the next payment, makes you feel good about your situation.

Buying a nice dress, or watch, makes you feel good about yourself.

It’s part of self care in my eyes because you’re giving yourself something you want, even if it’s temporary happiness.

Hmm.. maybe it’s not temporary happiness, if those things are going to last for a long time.

For example, I bought a really expensive coat.

  1. Because I needed a good, warm coat for the winter
  2. It looked really good. A reversible coat!

I thought killing two birds with one stone. Anyway every time I open my shoes and coat cupboard it makes me a little bit happier to see it because I think “yeah I bought that. And when I wanna go somewhere fancy I can just turn it into a fur coat. Yup this was worth it”.

So here are the lessons for you. Because I’ve already learnt mine. ***Students.

Lessons:

***Use your SFE to pay off all of the bills until you next payment. This way you can enjoy your money without worrying about the bill for the next 3-4 months. PLUS it helps in summer if you’re staying in the same place.

Don’t hoard all your money. It’s technically not even yours anyway. And it’s not the governments either. What I’m saying is when you die you’re not taking it with you so why hoard? Enjoy your money. Enjoy your life. You don’t know what day if going to be your last.

Set a monthly budget. Get a book that’ll help you calculate your bills or make your own. Write all the things you need to pay, even the subscriptions, and calculate how much you’ll have left for yourself.

Don’t enjoy recklessly. If you know you don’t have this money you want tot spend, don’t do it! You’ll spend it and instead of happiness you’ll feel regret because not it’s like “if you didn’t buy this I could have paid for that”. Saves you from feeling like crap until your next payment.

Find money goes quicker when it’s in your account? Take the money out and use cash only! This works better because you can actually physically see your money disappearing whereas with a card you just tap it and pray to God it doesn’t get declined when you feel like you’ve used a lot of money. Take out a lump-some and only take £20 or so out with you. It’ll last.

Don’t let money get you down. Like I just mentioned, money can make us feel two emotions. Happiness. Depressed. Don’t let it get you depressed. Stay on top of the things you need to pay for. If you can avoid it don’t borrow too much money that, in the moment, you don’t know how to pay back.

Self-love!! Buy something that makes you happy once a month. A new dress. Get your nails did. Buy yourself a new wig. Even get a massage, we all need one of those at least once a month. But don’t overspend.

BUT!!!!

In the mist of treating yo’ self. Don’t forget to save. Set aside an amount you know you can give monthly to your savings.

It doesn’t need to be for anything in particular, just save.

You don’t know when you’re going to need that emergency money.

Resolution:

In 2019. I want to save more but still have enough to buy a few things for myself here and there.

I believe it’s possible to be a semi hoarder of your money but still indulge yourself in a few things that you want once in a while, when reasonable.

You’ll all find your own balance of spending wisely, saving and enjoying your money. I have.

And that’s all she wrote, kids.

F A R I E L L E. N

Day 6: Rejoice

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals🎄!!

This interview happened like a month ago but it’s Christmas, might as well give you a present.

HERE YOU GO!!

You know when you see someone on social media and you imagine how they’ll be in real life? Rejoice met my expectation.

Rejoice is a 24 year old singer from Manchester. She was born in Zimbabwe, came here at the age of 9. She studied Psychology as her undergrad and Forensic Psychology for her masters. And she has one of the most beautiful souls that I’ve ever met.

I wanted to interview Rejoice because of three reasons:

  1. She has an amazing name. Rejoice. To feel or show great joy or delight. Which I feel she does do. Immediately upon meeting Rejoice she was smiling like nobody’s business.

2. Her voice is amazing. Like … have you still not heard her song Repair and Try Again? Go listen and download now, you sillies.

3. And lastly … I wanted to see if I my expectations of her were right. They were.

So that’s why I wanted to do the interview.

Now, here’s the interview. **oh btw I is me and R is Rejoice.

I: Growing up, who would you have said is your musical influence?

R: When I was young I grew up listening to Brenda Fasi, a South African artist. But I’d say that my biggest musical influence now, someone I’ve listened to the longest, is Tory Kelly.

I: You sang one of her songs at your gig.

R: Yes! I sang Day Dream. Not only do I appreciate her as a singer/songwriter, but also as a person too. It’s a big thing for me when listening to music.

I tend to fall in love with all of what they are.

I: Before the gig where else have you performed?

R: I’ve performed in and out of Manchester. Different kind of events. ACS Events, but I never put anything out although I got to network … I do love being on stage because I get to share, not just the song but the vibe.

I: Leading up to the event, were you nervous?

R: I had fear and anxiety throughout the whole process. I sat on my bed with my phone in my hand, breathing [deeply] thinking “there’s no going back now”. I was terrified.

I: Now that the gig is done, how do you feel?

R: I feel better. Great about it … Can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so proud of myself.

I: What made you finally share your music with everyone?

R: I felt like I was sitting on something that was special to me and I should be sharing it.

We’re our biggest hindrance because you have so much self doubt, but you have something you should be sharing that’s not just for you. But you’re holding back.

I thought “if I get to 30 [years old] and I haven’t given it everything I can, it would be my biggest regret.

I: If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be?

R: Tori Kelly without a doubt in my body!

I: How do you feel about people enjoying your music?

R: It feels great and amazing. Especially from people I don’t know … It makes the difficult part of doing this so worth it!

. . .

So there you have it folks. A quick snippet into Rejoice’s interview.

You might be thinking “but Farielle, this isn’t a resolution.”

Well babe, it is a resolution, just one too personal I’m gunna keep it to myself.

My interview with Rejoice really triggered a few things in me, inspirationally. How? That’s what I’m going to keep to myself.

And that’s all she wrote, folks.

F A R I E L L E. N

Day 5: Church Snob

Hi. My name is Farielle. And I’m a church snob.

Well .. I was.

Church snob; someone who forgets why they’re Christian, becomes judgy and only their church is doing things right.

I came to realise this when I was having a conversation about churches and I said “I can’t go to that church. They all go clubbing”. And he then pointed out that I was a snob. A religious snob.

Yes some churches are dodgy but once you’ve been to a church who’s doing right, you should be able to differentiate one that’s dodgy and one that’s really for God.

I became so religious that I wasn’t going to church for the right reasons anymore. I was going not only for the social aspect but because it became a habit. It became something I did because I ‘had to’.

That’s the worst time to be a Christian, when you become super judgy of everyone and everything.

Yes the bible says (paraphrasing) you shouldn’t judge others as God is the judge. But it also says you (Christians) should judge others unless you are doing the same thing you are judging others for then you have no right to judge.

I knew this. So I made it my mission not to judge others who were doing the same as me but I found another way to judge other so-called Christians.

And one of those ways was music.

Secular music is the devils music!

– Every older Christian ever!!

I know some secular music can be quite vulgar with a lot of swear words and talking about sex, drugs and all that jazz but there are some that has no vulgar words, is super clean and most likely about love.

As a singer-songwriter, and at the time Christian, I couldn’t decide if I was even allowed to write songs about love and how I was feeling, without including God or my relationship with him.

I didn’t even know if I could listen to one of my favourite contemporary musicians Hollyn because she sang Christian songs but she also sang love songs.

I played her music one time to someone from the church and they said “I don’t listen to that kind of music, I don’t think they’re proper Christians. Can never tell if they’re talking about God or not”

Another time someone said “Lecrae just said he doesn’t want to be classed as a gospel singer!” The horror!! Obviously I felt offended too. Why doesn’t he want to be classed as a gospel singer? Is he a sinner now?!

But I get it now. Not being limited to just one category/genre. The ability to sing songs that are about God and songs that aren’t just don’t go against your faith. He’s just a singer.

When I did my Interview with Rejoice I asked her how her song Enough clinked in with her relationship with God. And this was her response:

I’ll experience heartbreak, I’m still a christian, but I’ll write a song about heartbreak because that’s something that’s very relevant to me. Even in saying that, my relationship with God is very much present in most of the songs I write.

Just because a singer says they’re Christian but sings songs that are about anything other than God (within reason obviously) does not mean they’re not Christian.

As mentioned, at this moment I don’t class myself as a Christian because I feel like I don’t meet that standard and I haven’t felt that way since March. It doesn’t stop me from believing in God, because I still do. But what I’m going to tell you is

If you are a Christian, don’t lose yourself. Don’t become religious.

Jefferson Bethke once wrote a spoken word and titled it

Hate religion, love Jesus.

(It’s on YouTube). And it makes the most sense.

I recently had a catch up with a friend of mine and he said to me:

Let God’s word be God’s word, not churches word. God before everything, even church.

Don’t forget the church is just the people, so yes God before church.

So …

Resolution

For 2019 I will put God before everything the way I used to before I became religious.

For 2019 I’m going to hate religion and love Jesus. And try not to lose myself.

For 2019 I’m going to write more songs about how I’m feeling and not feel confused on whether I’m ‘allowed’ to write how I feel whether God is written in it or not.

Because at the end of the day I pray before I write therefore God is 100% present in the things I write. After all, it is He who gave me this gift in the first place.

And like the begining and the end of every Nollywood movie

To God be the Glory

And that’s all she wrote folks …

F A R I E L L E. N

Day 4: Gratitude

Happy Sunday you guys!!

‘Tis season of giving and sharing … wisdom. So here is some wisdom. You’re welcome.

Sometimes we can go through life like our life is crap and nothing is going right, when it’s only one thing that’s messed up our day.

But sometimes we should look to the small things that can make us feel grateful that it was only one thing that didn’t kill us or put us in a hospital bed.

I know I complain about my life when bad things are happening sometimes, we all do, however when I notice that I’m complaining and being irrational with my negative emotions, I sit back and think about all the I should be grateful for.

Counting my blessing, if you will.

So when you feel down and out about something that you think is ‘ruining your life’ think about the things you do have that are going right.

1. You’re not homeless.

2. You have food in your fridge/freezer.

3. You have someone/people to talk to.

But most importantly, you have life.

There are so many people who didn’t wake up today or they did and they didn’t get to see the end of the day.

But you woke up today! Yay you!! Celebrate your life, not by complaining about one or two things but by living life to the fullest.

Your blessing list can be endless!

Thats my Sunday of Wisdom over.

Have a great Sunday!

That’s all she wrote kids

F A R I E L L E. N

Day 3: Identity Crisis

I’m 22. And it’s normal for me to sometimes question who I am, what makes me happy and what I really want to do.

I went through this weird identity crisis around this time last year, but due to being too busy to notice why I constantly felt drained and down, it only dawned on me when everything had died down.

During this time I was going through an identity crisis, as you do in your early 20’s, and I tried to find myself again not knowing I was putting my everything into everyone, and not having enough of ‘me’ for myself (go back and read Self Love blog).

I had to find myself any way that felt like me ‘doing what I wanted to do’ because I thought that this was me knowing who I was.

I’ll tell you it’s, been hard because I really didn’t know exactly how to get out of it and I thought I was going crazy. I though “people don’t go through these crisis until their in the 40’s, why me? Why now??”

So obviously, if you know me you know I like learning and researching when I have questions, (the psychology degree is making more sense now). So I googled!

Apparently it’s a thing, but not until the age of 25 years of age. The questions/statements I read on Independent correlated with what I was feeling.

What is my purpose? And how the hell do I figure that out?!! I want to explore the world but I need a good paying job and get my career going! What the hell do I do???

God gave us a purpose but doesn’t mean we immediately know what it is or how to get there. We have to do some major soul searching!

So after a lot of praying, conversations with a few people and a lot of googling, I was walking to the bus stop after doing an overnight shift when it randomly dawned on me what I really wanted to do. “Well it’s about bloody time”

Obviously I still have to figure out how to get there, how to travel and still have a good paying job, which now saying it out loud seems near enough impossible, but anything is possible.

Lesson:

Through this I learnt that … I’m boring. I had no hobbies! It was church, work, uni, work, church, maybe a hang out here or there and the cycle continued. I didn’t really have a life.

I learnt that because my life was boring with no hobbies, I waiting on peoples hobbies or for people to come and do things with me, but we all know that most of the time that means it never happens.

I learnt I need to grab life by the balls and go for things I want to do if people can come or not. Sometimes I don’t need to ask if anyone wants to ‘come with’ on my next venture.

Resolutions:

For 2019, I did come up with these myself but I also saw it on a Forbes article online. Here are the three that I feel like resonate with me.

Be creative! I’ve already mentioned how I’d be doing that on the day 2: self love.

To stop pleasing others! I don’t need to get validation from others to feel like I’m doing something right. What I need to realise is the life I have within myself and not look for it in others. Hence the ‘go for things I want to do’. I’d put that in the lessons section too.

Trying new things! The other month I went dancing! I enjoyed it so much but with uni I haven’t been able to go back but I do plan on continuing. I already have a list of things I want to try doing which makes 2019 even more exciting!!

So far this whole 12 days thing is going well. I’m enjoying sharing, I just hope people are finding some sort of relatability what I’ve written.

Until the next blog mates…

That’s all she wrote …

F A R I E L L E. N

Day 2: Self-Love

It’s ok not to be ok.

I’ve written this in a previous blog, The Art of Pretending [<– it’s highlighted meaning it’s a link, click and read it!], and I’ve posted a picture of the quote on my Instagram page [might as well go follow that too].

I really do wish I took the advice I gave to others and applied it to my own life.

I know it’s ok not to be ok but boy do I just stuff everything in my Pandora’s Trunk.

I’m a giver. A carer. I give and I care for everyone else but myself, leaving me just so .. bleh, and I’m only just beginning to notice.

I realised it a lot this year when I gave so much to everyone and everything, leaving me drained and malnourished mentally and emotionally.

And through doing that I had become self-destructive.

So, imagine being in self-destruct mode, not even trying to find time for your own well-being because you think you’re fine and on top of that, pouring everything you have into everyone else!

Bloody hell! Who else felt drained just reading that? I did.

Self love is (ref: google definitions)

to regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.

That means focusing on you and your needs!! Not your neighbour, or your friends, or your gran (although I’m sure you love her very much), just focusing on you.

I haven’t done any of that until probably about August when it finally clicked! I started focusing on myself, on my own needs and what needed to be met for my own well-being and happiness to be at its ultimate level. And I got it half right.

Lesson:

I learnt that I need to continue to focus more on my inner needs that stimulate me emotionally, as I’ve only focused on the mental side of my well-being.

I’ve learnt that need to have more love and respect for myself the same way I do for those I help.

I’ve learnt that blogging, singing, songwriting, and being all-round creative helps me express my feeling and helps me emotionally. Which is my way of self love because it focuses on me.

Resolution:

For 2019 I’m going to read more. Not just to increase my knowledge, but when I was younger reading always relaxed me and made me feel better. So I decided to make a reading list (hope I stick to it).

For 2019 the books I’ll be reading for pleasure are books written by coloured women. I’ll also be reading self help books because it’s always nice to know new techniques on how to help yourself, which is what I need.

But resolutions don’t need to start in January. I’ve already bought my two books I’m going to read. And I’m super excited to start reading them.

Also, I’m going to take better care of myself. Eat better, drink more water, because during self destruct mode I’ve gained a really unhealthy relationship with Coka-Cola, and I want to work out. I want to do skincare routines like those other people.

Oh and yoga! I already love doing yoga but going it more consistently is a must.

Self love for me is for me to open up to myself more. To respect and love myself before I help others. As a wise person once told me

Having self love is selfless, because how can you bring someone up when you can’t even bring yourself up?

So that’s what I’m going to do to show myself some love. What are you gunna do?

Whatever you do just remember to

love and respect yourself the same way you do to others.

Stay tuned for day 3!!

That’s all she wrote …

F A R I E L L E. N