Another Chapter

Hi all!

I hope everyone’s having a great day where every you are. I know I am.

Today, as I write this blog, is a brand new chapter because it’s my birthday!

My 23rd year on this earth has been … eventful to say the least, and I must admit it had a lot of ups and downs. I can’t even tell you which was more because it was legit a rollercoaster.

Every year, on my birthday, and also the day before, I like to reflect and just think about what happened in the past year. The good and the bad, my decisions, my mistakes, when I laughed, when I cried. And I try to figure out what kind of a year it was for me, and I make a list of things to learn based on what my year was like.

So this year as I reflected I realised that my 23rd year was very bittersweet, the good never really outweighed the bad, and vice versa. It was just the same pretty much all year round. An even type of year.

If I could change some of the decisions I had made I would, but

who would I be today without those decisions, both good and bad?

Even though God doesn’t want us to suffer he does allow us to go through tests, boy did I go through some tests last year and failed miserably, haha. But thank heavens we serve a God of many chances (but don’t use his grace as an excuse to continue doing a madness!). I plan to surpass the next wave of tests I receive.

Today before I went to sleep at 6am (don’t question the time I slept lol) I prayed. I thanked God for all that had put me through, all the great things he had done, all the years I had cried, and all of the laughter in my previous chapter.

I write this to tell you guys that reflection is very important, especially when we’re in a season of difficulties. We sometimes have to reflect on the things God has allowed us to go through so we can appreciate the season in which we’re in today. We all go through so many things and we just don’t look back and think

“look at where God has brought me from!”

Yes, you may be in a really bad situation right now, you might be hurting, you may be spiritually battling a lot of things at the moment, but look at where God has brought you from!!

Looking to the past isn’t always a bad thing, it can be a great way to realise how much God has done in your life without realising it.

Yes, I have cried so many tears in my 23rd year but guess what? Not only did I laugh just as equally but God brought me out of every one of those upsetting situations I put myself in and he has brought me here. Back to him.

This time last year, there was a different Farielle that existed. But God has brought me out and has made me brand new … again lol. That’s how I keep my head up when times are rough.

“He’s allowed me to go through this situation before so the situation I’m in currently will pass with him by my side”.

God puts us through things because there is something within us that he wants us to learn. He wants to help us become better and sometimes that means by going through hard times.

But we can always take those hard times we have go through and take them as blessings because we’ve learnt something and we have developed.

So keep your chin up. And count your blessings. You’re still breathing for a reason.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

– ‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Just to add quickly before signing off. When things are happening in our lives we don’t always have the answer. Whilst going through things you might be thinking to yourself “what is the reason? What am I to learn from this?” But honestly, sometimes we won’t learn anything until after we’re out of it and the season has ended.

But that shouldn’t be a reason to give up on the season you’re in, keep trusting God and turning to him for guidance.

Anyway.

Here’s to another year of laughter and tests … that I’ll actually pass this time haha!

With being said. Stay safe, stay blessed

That’s all she wrote ❤️ …

Story Time: The Time I Lost My Chicken

Hi all!

Hope you’ve all been good.

No, this isn’t click bait, its real. I wanted to share one of my favourite testimonies. One that till this day continues to baffle’s me, to the point where there is no way to explain what happened. It’s the one I always reference back to whenever my mind starts to doubt God and His existence. This is the story that reaffirms my faith, ensures that being a Christian is not for nothing and that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can tell me that God is not real.

So let me get into it.

Before I start, like every story, I have to set the scene for you.

It was 2016, I had just broken up with my boyfriend, I had just moved out of my parents house into my own flat, I had just started my second year in uni and I had started working in Manchester Arndale, where I was contracted only 8hrs a week, which obviously was not enough to pay bills. And I know what you’re thinking “But Farielle, didn’t you have your student loan?”. Yes, yes I did, but I used it to buy some of the furniture in my house, which resulted to me not having a lot of money and spending £11 a month on ready meals and whatever left on the other essentials.

So I was

broke, isolated and alone in a new environment, brokenhearted, down and out, tired because of the long travel to and from work and early lectures the following day

and on top of that

my relationship with God was unstable, as I was unable to go to church because all of my shifts were on Sunday’s, and I had no idea where to find him in the mist of that

but I stayed praying and stayed patient because I knew that God will come through some how, but I won’t lie it got harder and harder everyday. I felt like I was a robot just functioning in routine. Not going to church really upset me as well, because I knew that’s where I needed to be but too afraid to ask for a change of shifts.

Anyway, to the main story.

It was Wednesday 14th December, I remember because my work Christmas dinner was for the 13th and on the day this whole thing happened I was hopeful because I finished work at a good time where I could catch the last 40 minutes of bible studies, which we have every Wednesday.

I finished work at 6pm and I went to catch the bus number 8, that takes an hour to get to Bolton from Manchester, however that day it was only going to Pendlebury, which is about halfway between Manchester and Bolton so I waited for the next one but it was still the same thing. I thought instead of waiting again I would go and get the 163 which goes to Bury, another halfway destination but I knew how to get home from there, however, by the time I got to that bus stop the bus had left.

By this point I was getting frustrated because I’m in the town center with hella people, no buses to Bolton and I couldn’t even make bible studies anymore as it was now getting to 7:30pm.

New plan!

I went to another bus stop where I knew the buses to Bury are a bit more frequent and normally take about 45 minutes to get there. I got on the 135 and got stuck in some next traffic! We were in the same spot for that same 45 minutes it normally takes to get to Bury. On the scale of 0-10 in terms of frustration, I would say about 8.5.

I finally got to Bury at 8:45 and guess what? I just missed my bus home! And the next one wasn’t for another hour!! Can you see my frustration? I’m someone who can actually keep patient in most situations and this one was really tricky, but like I normally do …

NEW PLAN!!

There’s another bus I can take from Bury that would take me into Bolton and I would have to just wait for my bus home from Bolton bus station, which was long but at least I will get home. But this also meant that when I got into Bolton, I would have just missed my bus again and wait another hour. I felt like being stuck in Bolton would be safer than being stuck in Bury as I know Bolton better and I had friends there in case I needed to crash somewhere.

Got into Bolton at 10:15pm, and decided that after all this stress I was going to treat myself with some KFC hot wings with the £5 I had for the week. I walked over to KFC, bought my 6 hot wings and ate 2 whilst I was walking back to the bus station. I felt a bit better after that, if I’m being honest. It didn’t make up for everything but I was grateful I was able to treat myself.

Anyway, after waiting for about 10 minutes my bus arrived, I hopped on and put my things on the chair next to me.

Now, remember how I said I had a work-do the night before? Well, I had a change of clothes in my work locker and I had to stuff that all into my bag so I had no space for anything else.

Back to the story. When I got off the bus, at 11:35pm, I started making my way home. As I walked home I started to think “hmm, what am I going to eat when I get in?” then I remembered about my KFC and for a split second I thought it was in my bag, until I remembered that my bag was full, then I realised that my hand was empty.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Yes. I left my chicken on the bus. The one thing I was looking forward to, after not looking forward to anything except for the day I could go to church again, which thankfully was that Sunday.

I turned around to go and run after the bus, but it was definitely long gone. So I turned back and started to work home, but I was so overwhelmed with stress, frustration and disappointment that I had to take my earphones off and sit on the curb to cry.

I just looked up, I remember the sky being so clear and the moon was so bright that night, and I just said “why is this happening to me?”. Once I remembered where I was, I picked myself up, wiped my tears, held them in until my throat was killing me and started speed walking home saying to myself “Farielle, you’ve just moved here. Let’s not cry and get a name for ourselves, like the girl that cries home”.

I got into my flat, kicked my shoes off and plopped myself onto the edge on my bed and let everything out.

Like literally every tear, every bit of pain and anguish my heart was feeling those past few months.

I felt like I needed to speak to someone but unsure of who to call, especially so late. I remembered that there’s always someone who was listening and waiting for me to speak to them, but I was so mad at God but who else could I turn to?

So I looked up to the corner of my bedroom and said

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ME?! Why are you letting me go through all of this? I’m being patient! I’m praying everyday for this heartbreak to go away! He’s moved on so why can’t I? I want to move on! I don’t want to keep thinking about him and being sad. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy!! When will you let me be happy? You won’t even let me have chicken and be happy! This isn’t fair. You said you love me but where is the love right now? You know what? I’ve got work in the morning, I need to sleep and that’s all I have to say right now. I don’t want to speak anymore. Good night!

And I went to sleep.

The next day, after work I went to prayer meeting. When they opened it up for individual prayers, I said

“Guys, please pray for God to help me with my stress. I cried over chicken yesterday”

Of course everyone started laughing, “how can you cry over chicken?” and all I could do was laugh with them because I wasn’t about to share my problems with everyone.

Sunday comes and I was happy because I was going to church for the first time in two months, but I was still sad because I didn’t feel whole. However, I felt like I would probably get my answer in whatever sermon my pastor was going to preach.

Don’t ask me what it was about, I really don’t remember. After the sermon, there was an alter call and he played a song (don’t remember what the song was), he told us to listen intently to the words and sing along if we could. I remember having my hands raised as he started to pray for people from my right.

I felt so overwhelmed with feelings and I felt that lump in my throat again as I listened to words of the song. So, I just closed my eyes and said to God, “I know you want me to cry but I’m not going to”. I remember my pastor praying for one of the girls next to me and then come to me.

He placed his hand on my head and started to pray over me. He took a pause … then he started to pray in tongues. He then as he was about to move onto the next person but came back to me and said

“DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?! You need to relinquish the past and surrender yourself to me!”

As soon as I heard those words, my eyes filled with tears, there was no “I’m not going to cry”, there was no “I’m hiding this part of me away from you, God”, it was immediate surrender.

First of all, I was like “woooaahhh! God is really telling me off like a child”, and then I thought, “oh man, God actually cares for me”, and the next thought was “wait, I didn’t tell anyone about the conversation I had with God that day in my room, how is this even happening right now?!”

This is why I say no one can tell me God is not real because that conversation is the most intimate and private conversation ever and I wasn’t trying to share it with no man! So the fact that my pastor straight up gave me that word, that’s when everything just clicked.

All this time I was praying for God to take away the pain I was going through, but he couldn’t do it unless I

LET GO of the past and SURRENDERED to him.

Yes, I was vulnerable in my home, but there was a vulnerability that God wanted.

Complete and ultimate surrender.

I couldn’t hide my tears, my real emotions and not just from God but from everyone. Pretending to everyone that I was fine, hiding that there have been times where I have cried home because of the hurt I was feeling, not being open about riding my bike, near where my parents live, late at night to find somewhere quiet to cry and pray to God, as I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of my family.

Sometimes we think that God doesn’t want the ugly, we think he’ll be mad if we confess to him what we’ve done or how we really and truly feel.

Listen …

Firstly, God sees everything, he already knows, but he just wants you to go to him. You hiding from him is not helping you.

Can anyone hide from me in a secret place? Am I not everywhere in all the heavens and earth? says the LORD

– Jeremiah 23:24 (NLT)

If anything its a hindrance, because you are not being true to yourself, and you’re not in full surrender to God. How can he help you if you don’t tell him everything that’s going on?

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help in no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

– Mark 8:34-37 (MSG)

Secondly, God wants all of it. He wants the good, the bad, the ugly, and the despicable! He wants you to share everything. When you share everything with God, you will be surprised how free you feel.

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness

– 1 John 1:9 (NLT)

So how do you start the healing process from whatever hurt or pain is tormenting you?

  1. Let Go – stop holding onto your past and the things that have happened.
  2. Let God– tell God EVERYTHING. What you’ve done, the wrong that has been done to you, how you’re feeling. He’s listening. Always.
  3. Stop Hiding – I was holding onto a memory that was no longer for me to hold on to, which stopped me from moving onto what God had planned for me.
  4. Remember that God’s love doesn’t change. It always stays the same. I really shouted at God and he came back with “do you not know how much I love you?!”. Meaning, after all that I have done, the mistakes I had made, He still loved me the same and was waiting for ME to surrender.

The greatest love a person can have for his friends is to give his life for them.

– John 15:13 (GNB)

I hope you have been able to find something encouraging in the testimony I just gave. I hope it’s helped in some way or you’ve been able to take something away.

Continue to be open with God, remember to let go and let God in all situations. And remember he’s always waiting and listening.

Complete and utter surrender.

Stay safe, stay blessed

That’s all she wrote …

 

It’s Ok

‘Sup you lot!

This week was Mental Health Awareness Week, so I thought I’d speak on getting to a place where you can be open with your feelings. Not just with people, but with God and yourself.

I wanted to write this post for people who are sensitive like me, people who feel like their sensitivity is a major weakness that they keep their emotions to themselves, too afraid of being called too sensitive that they hide a lot of themselves.

I wrote it to uplift those who have been branded as too sensitive, so that they can see the positives in their sensitivity because we all know that holding in our emotions can be so detrimental to ourselves, which is not good for our mental health at all.

So I hope you can gain confidence in this post by seeing the positives and know that God is a God of all things, including sensitivity.

Last week, I started to feel a little bit low and I wasn’t really sure as to what it was that got me down.

Now for me, unfortunately, I haven’t been able to be completely open regarding my feelings with myself and sometimes others, which people may find weird because I’m also the most open person. I’m an oddball I guess.

When I was growing up I was super sensitive, I’m still sensitive today just not as much, and people used to always think and see me as the ‘sensitive one’. I was called a crybaby and too soft and this stuck with me and continued to play around in my head.

One day when I was 14 years ago, during my depression, I was in my music class and one of the boys in my class said something, I don’t remember what exactly, and one of my friends at the time replied with “don’t say that you’ll just make her cry again” and everyone, including my friend, started laughing.

I was so embarrassed but I held everything together and decided to go home early, without waiting for my friends. As I got off the bus I let it all out and cried as I walked home, using the alleyways so I didn’t bump into anyone. I started praying to God “why didn’t you make me this way? I don’t understand, why didn’t you make me strong? Why did you make me weak?”

When I finally got home, no one was home so I went straight into my bedroom, changed into my pyjamas, closed the blinds, got into bed and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Once I had stopped crying I made a vow to myself that I will never cry again.

Ever since then I have had trouble with actually knowing how I feel and managing my feelings. Sometimes we make promises with ourselves that are detrimental to growing our relationship with God. These promises put a barrier in between us and God because they’re not from God. Some people know them as unholy covenants or unholy promises.

I know that sometimes it’s hard to be open, trust me, but sometimes in order for us to be better, in order for God to help us overcome thing and be better, we have to let our guard down and be vulnerable.

God made me to have feelings, and yes being sensitive can be a negative but it can also be a positive.

I’ve googled and found many positives of being highly sensitive. Here are my top 3 for you:

1. You’re highly considerate.

2. You have high levels of empathy and you’re deeply moved by other people’s emotions.

3. You experience positive emotions more deeply.

Being sensitive is not a bad thing. You don’t need to fight your feelings, you don’t have hide your emotions away. It’s ok to admit you’re not ok. It’s ok to have feelings. It’s ok to feel down and out, and not know why. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok.

I had to say that to myself the other week. I’m so adamant that I don’t have to cry and I’m ok, but all I’m doing is putting a big mask and hiding myself from God who’s probably looking down at me like “you’re clearly not ok and you know that I know this. So come to me and lay it at my feet.”

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

– Matthew 11:28 (ESV)

I had to admit to myself that I was not ok, cry it out and pray to God about what I was feeling in that moment.

I know it’s ok to cry because even Jesus cried.

Jesus wept.

John 11:35

Jesus, the Son of God, who has healed many, who was a great leader, also cried. Feelings come from God. If we didn’t have feelings we would be emotionless robots, which is not from God, which would mean we were not made in his image.

If you need to cry out to God, then do it! He will hear you.

The righteous call to God and he listens; he rescues them from their troubles.

Psalms 34:17

Instead of making unholy promises that will create a barrier with God we should cry out to him, in our most deepest, darkest and saddest times. He is listening always.

It’s ok to have raw prayers with God when you’re literally in bits and you’re just asking why. The same way you can be honest with friends, is how you should be honest with God in all areas.

Moses prayed earnestly to the Lord and said “What can I do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me?”

Exodus 17:4 (GNB)

In all his frustration Moses cried out to God. It’s ok to speak to God through all the frustration you’re feeling.

We know God has feelings. God showed love, anger, disappointment, compassion, joy, just to name a few. So don’t condemn yourself if you’re ‘too sensitive’, see the positives in it.

Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, “How can I help?”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:1-2‬ ‭(MSG‬)

Take this passage and apply it with your high levels of empathy. Your sensitive can be more of a strength than you know.

I hope you’ve been able to find some sort of confidence boost within this post.

Remember always be open. Don’t let anyone say that you’re too sensitive without remembering the positives that come from being highly sensitive. Remember it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to admit that you’re not ok.

God is listening and he’s always around, it’s up to you as to how open and vulnerable you want to be towards Him.

Stay blessed, stay safe

That’s all she wrote …