Disciplined

Hey you guys,

Happy New Years!! 🥳🥳 (hope it’s not too late to say this).

It’s been a hot minute, huh?

Hope you’ve been good despite what’s going on in the world. I know I’ve been a little MIA but it’s been a long one still.

Anyway. Let’s get into it …

I’ve always said that this blog will be based on my personal experience. My Christian journey shared truthfully and in full. And if I’m being honest, this post has taken a few months for me to build the courage to write, let alone to post it.

I know how it feels to find it hard to love yourself or even think well of yourself after fumbling so hard. In life. In your love life. In your walk with God. That was the biggest fumble for me.

If I could have it any way, I would fail in every area of my life but keep my relationship with God straight.

It’s funny because for such a long time I used to feel regret with the things I had done in the past, but I’ve come to realise that my only regret is that I took my eyes off God and let myself fall away from Him, instead falling into Him during one of my hardest seasons.

My season of being in the wilderness.

Before becoming saved, although I was in the world, I was always seen as this innocent little girl, a goody two shoes, teachers pet, never really wanting to get into trouble, type of character. And even when I got saved these characteristics followed me.

I always followed the rules, I never wanted to get into trouble with my pastor and pretty much everyone saw me as an innocent little girl who could never do any wrong or sin. The girl in praise in worship, who’s the first to help out in church, who seems to have everything together and had dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with internally and spiritually.

“Farielle got this Christian thing so quick and is so solid in it.”

But no ones perfect. We’re all human and everyone has and can fall at anytime.

In late 2017, I started doubting my relationship with God and who I was as a person. This whole season really threw me off my feet, as it was my first time as a saved Christian that I was being tested in such a way. I had no idea what to do, and I know prayer is a practical way of dealing with things, but I felt like it wasn’t giving me a practical answer. This then lead me to pray less and eventually I wasn’t praying at all.

Fast forward to April 2018. I back slid.

For those who don’t know what it means to back slide, it’s falling back into sinful ways. Ways of the world. Ways that aren’t of God and won’t bring glory to God.

I lied and pretty much lived another life for 6 months. I mean I was so deep in the lies that everything I said and did in my life became overly calculated. What I spoke about, remembering the lies I had told. I literally felt like a double agent in a James Bond movie.

It got to the point where I wasn’t sure whether what I was saying was the truth or a lie.

Eventually, I came clean to my pastor and I got disciplined for 6 months. Of course there were other measures put in place before that, but this was the last resort.

Being disciplined is like getting grounded by your parents but instead of being sent to your room, you have to take a time out from church. Which means you’re pretty much cut off from all things church, including the people.

It’s such a lonely place to be.

I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone. For about 4/5 months I only had two friends around me. One moved back down south and the other lives further away from me. So because of my work schedule, travelling to her after work or uni was too tiring. So I barely saw her.

Depression took its toll real quick! Because then I was really alone. If I’m being very honest, the only thing that really kept me here was my degree and how close I was to achieving it. Finally.

I started going to counselling in February 2019 because of the lack of people I was speaking to, I decided that seeking help where I could talk to someone about what I was going through was the only thing left. Which was definitely a great idea for me to do.

Church hurt is one of the hardest pains to get over, so believe me when I say I understand.

I know how hard it is to go back to God when something so immense, so big has happened in your life and you have no idea how to fix it. You’re not sure whether you can trust your church, another church or even God again. Your faith in God has just … disintegrated. I get it, because during those 8 months of discipline I really fell off the rails like it was no-ones business.

It was really like … God who?

I joke around with it my stories a lot with friends but the truth of the matter is, it was a dark time for me. I acted like I didn’t care but I cared a lot. That was my family and I had lost them.

I went back to church in June 2019 and not long after that in December I got disciplined again.

Yes. I’ve been disciplined twice. This time it was for 3 months.

The first time I got disciplined. I was stubborn and prideful. Even though I knew what I did was wrong and I felt bad for my decisions, I didn’t want to seem weak so I didn’t show any emotions whatsoever.

I held my ground, accepted the consequences and left church with hella pride because in my head “ain’t no one seeing me leave this building with tears in my eyes or with any sort of hurt. Not even through my body language.”

My second discipline was different. When I went to confess to my pastor and a witness, I remember thinking “it probably won’t be that bad. Not like last time.” And I don’t remember everything my pastor said but I do remember these words “Do you not love yourself?”

And it really hit hard. Do I? I know I responded with “I don’t know” because I genuinely didn’t know, and I soon realised that at the time I didn’t love myself or think of myself very highly. When he said I had to leave church my heart dropped and my brain just said “again..?!”

I just started crying. It was the shame of allowing myself to fall again and not learning from the first time. Not to say I didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong, because I did, but because what my pastor was saying to me just made me realise how little I valued myself, loved myself and the fact that I didn’t see myself worthy of anything more than what I allowed myself to go through the last year or so.

It wasn’t the same as last time. I was able to talk to one person for accountability and support, my pastor recommended churches that I could go to in this time and I had meetings with him every 3 weeks.

When my pastor and the witness left the room, he sent for one of my friends, who was my accountability partner during my discipline. When she came into the room I remember just balling even more and saying the words “I didn’t mean to”.

I think it was just the realisation of what I had done and how much it pulled me further away from God. But mostly how little I thought of myself.

It wasn’t easy being disciplined and I do feel like being left alone with no spiritual guidance the first time really did give me a push to go down a path I regret whole heartedly. It was hard getting over everything and even just trusting God and church people again was extremely hard.

But because of the mustard seed of faith I held onto during that time. The fact that I knew God was somehow going to pull me back to him, I kept going, even whilst in the storm I was in.

And I bet you have the question everyone who knows I’ve been on discipline asks me.

Do you still go to the same church?

And the answer is yes, I do go to the same church. It was difficult to return, thinking everyone was either judging me or hated me but the truth was everyone just wanted me back in church.

I went back to my church knowing that most people knew my story, which at first was embarrassing for me but eventually I realised, my testimony is my testimony and no one can tell me otherwise.

I know going back to a place where you’ve been hurt can be hard as heck! However, God didn’t put you in that church for no reason. Even with the church hurt that can occur.

Another question asked is,

Is discipline biblical?

And the answer is yes. I won’t go into it in detail because this post is already looking long, but just like weeds in the garden or fire in a dry forest, sin spreads quickly. One person can be sinning and it can move onto the next person and so on. It might not be the same sin but it’s sin nonetheless.

So what do you do with unwanted weeds? As brutal as it sounds, you cut them loose. Which is what Paul says we should do when there is sin in the church.

Obviously with church they want you to come back after some time, which Paul also mentions.

Here’s the scripture where Paul talks about taking sin seriously and condemning Spiritual Pride. The second scripture is on restoring the individual condemned, with love.

1 Corinthians 5:1-13// 2 Corinthians 2:5-8

I read both Message and NLT version, but you can read whichever suits you best.

I just wanted to end this post by letting you know that if you are struggling with church hurt or you just want to ask me some questions, you are more than welcomed to message me on Instagram.

Remember you’re not alone in this.

Have a blessed Sunday x

That’s all she wrote …

Another Chapter

Hi all!

I hope everyone’s having a great day where every you are. I know I am.

Today, as I write this blog, is a brand new chapter because it’s my birthday!

My 23rd year on this earth has been … eventful to say the least, and I must admit it had a lot of ups and downs. I can’t even tell you which was more because it was legit a rollercoaster.

Every year, on my birthday, and also the day before, I like to reflect and just think about what happened in the past year. The good and the bad, my decisions, my mistakes, when I laughed, when I cried. And I try to figure out what kind of a year it was for me, and I make a list of things to learn based on what my year was like.

So this year as I reflected I realised that my 23rd year was very bittersweet, the good never really outweighed the bad, and vice versa. It was just the same pretty much all year round. An even type of year.

If I could change some of the decisions I had made I would, but

who would I be today without those decisions, both good and bad?

Even though God doesn’t want us to suffer he does allow us to go through tests, boy did I go through some tests last year and failed miserably, haha. But thank heavens we serve a God of many chances (but don’t use his grace as an excuse to continue doing a madness!). I plan to surpass the next wave of tests I receive.

Today before I went to sleep at 6am (don’t question the time I slept lol) I prayed. I thanked God for all that had put me through, all the great things he had done, all the years I had cried, and all of the laughter in my previous chapter.

I write this to tell you guys that reflection is very important, especially when we’re in a season of difficulties. We sometimes have to reflect on the things God has allowed us to go through so we can appreciate the season in which we’re in today. We all go through so many things and we just don’t look back and think

“look at where God has brought me from!”

Yes, you may be in a really bad situation right now, you might be hurting, you may be spiritually battling a lot of things at the moment, but look at where God has brought you from!!

Looking to the past isn’t always a bad thing, it can be a great way to realise how much God has done in your life without realising it.

Yes, I have cried so many tears in my 23rd year but guess what? Not only did I laugh just as equally but God brought me out of every one of those upsetting situations I put myself in and he has brought me here. Back to him.

This time last year, there was a different Farielle that existed. But God has brought me out and has made me brand new … again lol. That’s how I keep my head up when times are rough.

“He’s allowed me to go through this situation before so the situation I’m in currently will pass with him by my side”.

God puts us through things because there is something within us that he wants us to learn. He wants to help us become better and sometimes that means by going through hard times.

But we can always take those hard times we have go through and take them as blessings because we’ve learnt something and we have developed.

So keep your chin up. And count your blessings. You’re still breathing for a reason.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

– ‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Just to add quickly before signing off. When things are happening in our lives we don’t always have the answer. Whilst going through things you might be thinking to yourself “what is the reason? What am I to learn from this?” But honestly, sometimes we won’t learn anything until after we’re out of it and the season has ended.

But that shouldn’t be a reason to give up on the season you’re in, keep trusting God and turning to him for guidance.

Anyway.

Here’s to another year of laughter and tests … that I’ll actually pass this time haha!

With being said. Stay safe, stay blessed

That’s all she wrote ❤️ …

Story Time: My First Witnessed

Hey gang,

Hope everyone’s had a good day today and have continued to stay blessed.

I wanted to write a quick story, as it has been something that I have actually held against myself for years, but finally I’ve let go of it and taken it as a lesson. So I thought I’d share it with you.

Just before I start, wanted to say a definition that may be new to some of you guys.

𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇: mostly done in groups. Reaching out to the community and spreading the word of God.

𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆: talking to someone about God, Jesus and what it means to be saved.

Do not be ashamed, then, of witnessing for Our Lord …

– 2 Timothy 1:8 (GNB)

A few years ago my church was outreaching in Nottingham and I found myself in my first discussion with 3 Muslim guys about Jesus and whether he was the Son of God or not.

“𝙎𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙛. 𝙒𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙞𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩? 𝙅𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙨 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙 𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙎𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙛 𝙂𝙤𝙙.”.

As a newly saved Christian, I didn’t have all of the answers but tried to explain as much as I could with what I already knew and scrambled for scriptures. The conversation got a tad heated between one of the guys and one of the ladies I was with so our friend had to remove us from the conversation.

I left the conversation feeling defeated because I couldn’t find a scripture quick enough to show them the proof they insisted in having. I didn’t have enough confidence to keep the conversation going between me and the men by myself, even though I felt like I was finally finding my feet in the conversation. Plus, I didn’t even know where in the bible it was but I knew it was in there.

I felt like I had let God down but not trying hard enough, or letting my lack of confidence get the best of me and allowed myself to lose three souls in a space of 15 minutes.

But with everything there will always be something to take away. So here are three things this experience taught me:

𝟏. 𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐈𝐓 𝐂𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐋: Even if one party starts to become a bit heated. Firstly, you need to make sure that said party isn’t you, and secondly, keep your cool because if 𝐘𝐎𝐔 walk away heated that persons view on God 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 become more distorted, which then pushes them away from God even more.

𝟐. 𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐒𝐃𝐎𝐌: Like our friend. He saw that both parties were getting too heated. Unsure of whether the male party would become aggressive or not, as he was already becoming a tad handsy, he removed us from the situation. He used 𝐖𝐈𝐒𝐃𝐎𝐌 to ensure that we were safe.

𝟑. 𝐃𝐎𝐍’𝐓 𝐁𝐄 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐃: We are always learning more and more about God each time we read our bibles, attend church, bible studies etc. Don’t be afraid to bring out your phone to google scriptures either, it’s not a weakness. If anything it shows physical proof! Don’t let the not knowing discourage you. If anything you should be 𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐃 because next time you know you’ll probably know what to do a little bit better. It’s a form of practice, learn each time.

I know this because even though I felt useless afterwards, I was reminded that God said it with His own voice.

When Jesus was getting baptised, God made it known to everyone present, to all who witnessed the baptism, that Jesus 𝐖𝐀𝐒 His Son and he was 𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐄𝐃!

I know that there are many scriptures where Jesus says that he is the Son of God, but this one is one we’ll all remember because it’s taught to us in schools from young, a story most of us will know.

Then a voice said from HEAVEN “This is my OWN dear Son, with whom I am PLEASED”

– Matthew 3:17 (GNB)

So if you feel like you’re in the same situation you can remember those three tips. And if you ever get the same question I did, tell them “𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐇𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐇𝐞 𝐢𝐬”.

I hope this helped you and encouraged you the next time you are on outreach and find yourself witnessing to someone.

Stay safe, stay blessed

That’s all she wrote …